OBSCENE OPULENCE

Everything We Need

Fohr
Taylor Barnett
February 1, 2024
Updated Feb 09, 2024
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As someone who spends much of her free time yearning for unattainably expensive luxury goods, I have reached a decent level of self-awareness (or begrudging acceptance) that maybe a $5,000 Elsa Peretti platter isn’t in budget as a 20-something-year-old paying Manhattan rent. Delusions of grandeur and a powerful ability to manifest are the only things keeping my spirit from breaking, as I’m confident that in 10-15 years, I will be able to furnish my home à la 1stDibs and buy something in Bergdorf’s home section on a whim during my weekly Sunday-afternoon perusal. When you have unwavering confidence in the impact a sterling silver tray could bring to your daily life, there is no such thing as “girl math”—just complete faith in the purchase.

While the obvious Hermès quota bags or Loro Piana coat come to mind, these items are in the vein of what you would find in the back of a department store if you were actively looking for unique opulence–something with a four-digit price tag that goes in the dishwasher, or something with a five-digit price tag that you don’t even take out of the box. I see no reason to be reasonable here.

Should you somehow be more delusional in financial justification than I am and have the Amex spend for it, I am pleased to share purchase considerations I’d suggest to someone who has (or wants) everything. Not only do I enjoy drooling over anything wrapped with a silk ribbon, I excel in the actual experience of buying it, so please feel free to contact me if you’d like enthusiastic moral support (or someone to finish off the sales-associate-supplied champagne) as you swipe your Centurion card.

LG
Styler Smart Steam Closet With TRUESTEAM Technology
$1,699

First up! Easing into this with something I actually do find to be reasonable (especially as I recently fell victim to a moth infestation—RIP 3 cashmere sweaters), I’ve been turned on to the LG Styler Smart Steam Closet ($1,699) and, as someone with two cats, genuinely feel like I need it. Likely known to me from a wealthy woman on TikTok, the WiFi-enabled closet sanitizes, steams, refreshes, and dries clothes, providing a mini-dry cleaning effect. There’s even a pants press to keep your double-pleated trousers looking freshly ironed. As someone living in a tiny NYC apartment, I value its compactness at a slim 21” width. 

Zwiebelmuster
86 Piece Classic Collection
$36,000

Second, a girl must eat. Why not with the utmost elegance? Ever since stumbling upon a delicate antique store as an impressionable and broke teenager visiting Paris for the first time, there are few things more fabulous to me than a full dinner service. I never expected to understand the geriatric fondness for fine china before my twentieth birthday, but as a Palm Beach-adjacent native, old-lady core was bred into my palette. I look forward to hosting dinner parties with 100% pure porcelain, but my niche Japanese dinnerware will do the trick for now.

Ubald Klug
De Sede DS-1025 'Terrazza' Sofa in Black Leather
$35,809.35

Third, taking a seat. But only a fabulous one. Like most of us who explored personal interests during lockdown, I discovered an unexpected affinity for… chairs. As part of my contribution to the greater lesbian effort, I participate in an annual furniture rearrangement that has been known to go a little over the top (notably October 2022, a time when I had a Togo, Camaleonda, Wassily, and two Cescass in my living room at once), and it always starts with seating. My long-standing hyperfixation is the De Sede Terrazza by Ubald Klug ($34,809.35), whose beauty shot has been living on my Instagram since 2020.

James Turrell
Beneath the Surface
Circular Glass, 2021
$750,000

Fourth, solidifying its spot on my eternal wishlist from the indelible Kendall Jenner Architectural Digest Open Door video, I have not stopped thinking about having a James Turrell in my home since. However, with a price tag of $750,000 from Pace Gallery, it may be one of the items that live eternally on this list, never to grace my home. For now, New Yorkers may meditate in front of one of Turrell’s installations on the fourth floor of Tiffany and Co.’s new Landmark flagship and Londoners at The Row’s townhouse. If you plan on partaking in the former on a Saturday around 4PM, look for me mid-swoon.

Judith Leiber Couture
Willow Rocking Horse Crystal Minaudiere
$6,295

Fifth, conversations over cigarettes often include complimenting the adjacent smoker's shoes or handbag (especially when I’ve just bummed a Marlboro Gold off of them—it’s only polite) and adding fuel to the fire of things I’d like to Pay-in-4 on despite having no heat in my apartment. Most recently, this resulted in a quick and powerful lust for a Judith Leiber bag—which was infamously misunderstood by Carrie Bradshaw. My love for gaudy items and impracticality unite in this crystal-studded satin-lined minaudière in the shape of your favorite food or pastime. As a proud horse girl and retired Winter Equestrian Festival attendee, I’d opt for the Rocking Horse ($6,295).

“CONVERSATIONS OVER CIGARETTES OFTEN INCLUDE COMPLIMENTING THE ADJACENT SMOKER’S SHOES OR HANDBAG AND POURING GASOLINE ON THE UNDYING FIRE OF THINGS FOR WHICH I’D LIKE TO PAY-IN-4 DESPITE HAVING NO HEAT IN MY APARTMENT”
TAYLOR BARNETT

FINALLY. The most important takeaway from this list is this: I genuinely believe the key to enjoying looking at any of these items is engaging in the most absolute of affirmations that you deserve them. I encourage all other similarly delusional readers to try their hand at a confident and shameless walk up Madison Avenue to window shop for inspiration on obscenities and glamor—even if you only have an ID and $20 cash in your wallet. One day, you could put them in a Birkin.

Taylor Barnett is your most fabulous friend and Senior Associate at Fohr. She’s a terrible influence, with years of experience in making everyone around her overspend. Need a gift idea? Just want to treat yourself? Contact her directly at taylor@fohr.co.

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